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Back to School

I am officially in remission as of August 8th!!!!!!

 Since then, my life has begun to inch back to normal. Or at least, a new normal. I returned to school this year, participated in the school play, am hanging out with friends, and working on college applications. Everything is as it should be, and most of the time I feel like I'm a typical high schooler. There are definitely some moments, though, when I'm walking in the hallway or doing my homework and I stop and think about how radically different my life is now compared with just a few months ago, and all that happened for me to get here.

It's hard to look at pictures from the spring and see how pale I was. It's hard to remember what it felt like to get chemo. It's hard to believe that this all even happened, that it was real. I barely ever even use the word "cancer". It's so easy to block it out entirely and go on with my daily life, and I kind of did that for the first month and a half of this school year. But now, as I am settling in to my new life as a healthy senior, I feel more of a need to acknowledge that this life altering event occurred. It's so strange to me that everything at school is exactly how it was last year. The bells ring at the same time, I eat the same lunch in the same hallway, I still have tests to study for and essays to write. I have the same stresses about drama with friends and fitting in and what group to go with on Halloween, just as I did last year, and just like everyone else. But I'm not who I used to be and I'm definitely not like everyone else. Life moves so quickly, from one year to the next, and to say that I'm all caught up just because I'm back at school wouldn't be doing justice to my experience. I still have catching up to do, and it's important that I take a step back every once in a while and accept that it's okay to not be completely okay with this adjustment period.

I am sitting in a one-person cubicle in the library during my free period right now, something I have started doing a lot. I used to never sit here because I didn't like to be alone, but now I enjoy these fifty one minutes of time to decompress and take a breath. There is comfort in being back at school, and knowing how amazing it is that I have the energy and strength to be here, but there is also comfort in knowing that it's alright to take a moment to just relax sometimes. I am starting to understand that I can admit it's taking some time to adjust without taking away from the fact that I'm incredibly happy to be here. I see the same view of the parking lot from my library cubicle as I did last year, and as everyone else does, but I see more beauty. I take a breath.

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