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Before and After

I've begun to think of my life as having two parts: a before, and an after. The before is my life leading up to January, when this all started. The after is my life since then.


A lot of people have told me that going through this would change my perspective on life. That I would maybe understand better what was really important to me, who I want to spend time with, how I want to act. Initially I was hoping there would be some sort of lightbulb moment, or a switch would go off and suddenly I would have all the answers to how I was supposed to live my life from here on out, but that never happened. Life, as I have learned, never goes as planned, and nothing is ever simply laid out. So I've stopped looking for big shiny revelations, and I've started realizing that my answers lie in the little things. These are what I hold onto now.


Little moments bring me so much joy now, small things I used to take for granted. Hearing a favorite song on the radio, playing board games with my family, gossiping with my friends, rereading Harry Potter. Falling into bed after a long day, and sleeping in late. I was forced to grow up faster than I wanted to, and every single day I wondered why it had to happen to me. I'm still as anxious as I've always been, but I'm less afraid.


I used to hate that I had to be in this next portion of my life, “after”. I wanted to stay in the “before” as long as I could, and hold on to how I used to be. But can't go back to how I was before, and I can't forget everything that's happened in between. But I also know that I'm here, right now, and I get to enjoy my life. I get to enjoy the little things.

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